5 Emotional Blindspots Most People Don’t Notice and How to Avoid Them

When it comes to relationships, we’re not very good at seeing what’s right in front of us. We make assumptions and jump to conclusions about people we meet for the first time. Unfortunately, this happens all the time. Especially when we’re just getting started in a new relationship. We assume that the person we’re dating is “into” us based on how they reacted one night, or how they smiled at another chance we gave them sooner rather than later. Or even on the surface level of their actions (e.g., did they touch me or did they ignore me?). These small things can be indications of an emotional response or a red flag—whichever way you look at it. And while there are some red flags for every relationship (think: cheating, controlling, jealous), there are others that can go unnoticed until something goes wrong. If you’re going through a break up, check out these hard-to-spot emotional blindspots and how to avoid them in future relationships:

You Don’t Talk About Feelings

When you think about your past relationships, you probably didn’t spend a lot of time talking about the emotions involved. You probably felt guilty for getting upset or expressing your needs or wants because you “shouldn’t” be feeling those things. But those feelings are normal and healthy. And talking about them helps you identify what you’re feeling so you can try to regulate it. When you have a new partner, you need to talk to them about your feelings. But you don’t need to talk about how you feel every single emotion. You only need to talk about the ones that you’re feeling that day. That’s not to say that you need to be inside the head of your ex to understand what they’re going through. But you need to be able to communicate those feelings too, withoutall the extra baggage that comes with it.

You Don’t Tell Your Ex That You Love Them

This one’s pretty important. Telling your ex that you love them (and not just in an “I miss you too” sort of way) is one of the most basic things that you need to do in a relationship. And yet, most people don’t do it. We don’t know our past loves because we never kept track of them. We never wrote them letters, called them up on the phone, or sent them gifts. We never acknowledged our feelings for them. In fact, we might have made things even more confrontational by ignoring them or replying to their emails with “I love you too” or “not now” or “I’ll get back to you later.” This kind of behaviour is incredibly ungrateful and inconsiderate—two things that an ex really, really wants to hear. So, if you want to keep this new relationship moving in the right direction, you need to start by telling them how you feel.

Your Ex is Always Right

This one’s a little uncomfortable to admit, but it’s true: We all have our spoons “somewhere,” and our ex’s spoons are always better than ours. This is why you need to take the time to validate the feelings of your new partner. This doesn’t mean that you have to start talking about your feelings. You can just sit back and enjoy the moment, while they do the talking for you. But you need to let them know that you love them and that you respect them. And you need to say it when they do something good, and not just when they do something bad.

Emotional Reactions Are the Same for Everyone

Everyone’s feelings are different. Nobody’s feelings are ever the same as anybody else’s. And that’s okay. But when you assume that your partner’s feelings are the same as yours, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. Maybe they’re not really in love with you or you’re just not in love with them yet. Or maybe you two have different emotional needs. You need to stop putting yourself in situations where you’re going against the grain and just wait for your heart to tell you what to do.

They always treat you like a “Friend”

We assume that people like us are “friends” when in reality, we might be a lot more than that. Sometimes, people use the word “friend” when they mean “partner” or “mate.” And that’s okay—as long as it’s kinky—as long as it’s your fantasy. But when you call someone your friend, it needs to be more than a business relationship. A “friend” can be a lover, an old friend, or a friend you’ve known for years. Your new friends should know that you love them and be okay with you being with others while you’re in the relationship. But they also need to know that you love them back and that you won’t be with anyone else.

They always respond to your texts and calls immediately

We spend so much time together that we should be able to establish some kind of connection. After all, we’re talking to each other the whole time we’re together. We should be able to communicate with each other face-to-face or over the phone or in some other way. But, most people don’t do this. They text or call first and then respond to you. And when you come back to them, they either ignore you or they don’t respond. A great way to start fixing this problem is to make a “to, from” list. When you see someone you want to talk to you “to” list, pick up the phone and call them back right away.

You Can Improvise

Romance is about imagination. You need to allow yourself room to go wild and create new ideas. Don’t be afraid to let your partner cook you breakfast in bed or surprise you with dinner. You need to feel free to be spontaneous with your partner. You also need to have fun while you’re in this relationship, no matter how serious it is. We’re meant to be happy, not solemn. So, bring some humour and joy into your life.

Don’t Forget to Say “I Love You”

We all say “I love you” to our partners at least a few times a day. But, many of us forget to say it “on the inside.” This is the most basic form of communication and it needs to be said every day. Even if you think that you won’t be able to do it “all” the time, you should still say it “when you love someone.” You need to feel it in your bones. You need to make a conscious decision to say it to your new partner every day. And then, you need to follow through.

Reach Out and Hold On

Finally, reach out and hold on. It’s the smallest thing you can do for your partner but it can be the biggest step towards repair and reconciliation. If you miss or give up on reaching out to your partner because you’re afraid of being rejected, you’re doing them a disservice. Reach out to them and show them that you love them. Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a while, reach out and remind them that you care. Hug them, give them a kiss, or give them a hug and a kiss. It doesn’t matter how you do it, just reach out and give them a reassuring squeeze.

Don’t Forget to Give Your Best

Finally, don’t forget to give your best. This applies no matter what stage of life you’re in. We can’t imagine a healthy and lasting relationship without at least some amount of give and take. So, don’t just sit back and wait for your partner to come to you. It may take a while, but you need to show up for your new partner in the same way that you would for anyone else in your life.

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